the seven (or eight) year itch

According to wikipedia, the "seven-year itch" is a term that suggests that the happiness in a relationship declines after around year seven... The phrase originated as a name for irritating and contagious skin complaints of a long duration.

This summer, my husband and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary and so I thought we had dodged the dreaded seven-year itch. Well, in the midst of being utterly irritated with my husband recently, I started to itch... on my wedding ring finger! Oh, the irony.

I removed my ring to find my finger chapped, red and, like my mental state, completely irritated! Was my finger suddenly rejecting my wedding ring? Was this a sign?? Could this seven-year itch be true???

Apparently, wedding ring dermatitis is a common condition that is caused by soap build up under the ring or the allergic reaction to nickel found in white gold. 

I love my husband. I do. I am one of those rare gals who married her high school sweetheart. We made it through a long distance relationship in college, a major diagnosis and illness, the deaths of our fathers, many, many stupid arguments, and big, "That's it! It's over!" blow outs. We went from living together and thinking our quirks were cute to being married and getting on each other's nerves on a regular.

I know I make our relationship sound oh so {not} wonderful, but I do believe that all of the tough stuff has strengthened our bond even more than the good stuff (of which we have plenty as well... really!).

But, after seven to eight years, I have found that marriage can be really, really difficult. Things that used to be easy between us have become major work. We are so busy and crazed that we have to remember things like speaking to each other in a kinder tone (i.e. "Could you please put your dish in the sink, sweetie?" versus "Would you put your damn dish in the sink for once!"), kissing good bye, saying "I love you." We seem to do all of this very well with Lila. We simultaneously shower her with hugs and kisses and "I love you's" but sadly we don't always treat each other with the same amount of affection.

I could argue that we don't need to do these things because the love between us is a given. Perhaps it is displayed in more practical ways. For instance, my husband will anticipate me rushing back into the house in the morning because I have forgotten something (again) and he will be ready to pass this item into my hand (cell phone, water bottle, travel mug... car keys) like a baton, making my morning a little smoother. And, despite the fact that I am a vegetarian, I will clean, trim, and prepare my husband's chicken, gagging at the raw gross-ness, so that he has something to eat after working late. We will do these things for each other even when, at a given moment, we can't stand each other. Isn't that love? Couldn't that be considered affection?

But, when looking at my irritated finger, I realize that I can't just wear the ring and ignore what's going on underneath. Relationships need care and attention. This is something we can't ignore or take for granted because what starts as a minor irritation can quickly spread and become unbearable. 

As my finger heals, I am emailing my husband date night ideas. He is arranging the child care. In time, all will become healthy once again... and we will take good care to keep it that way.  -Tara

Great Family Game!

Stuck inside during a storm can get tedious. If you're like us, you also don't want to spend the afternoon watching movies or television.  So, we've been trying to spend more active family time together playing games and doing unique indoor crafts and activities.

One of our favorite recent purchases is the family game, The Best of Charades for Kids. It's fun for the whole family since kids can roll dice, count spaces and then have a blast acting out various charades. For kids who aren't reading, there is even a picture option. The charade choices range from recognizable tasks, like brushing hair, to more challenging concepts to act out, like being a vampire. It's fun for the whole family and always results in a lot of laughs. You should have seen me have to represent cartwheel! We found the game at our local toy store, but it's also available at amazon.com for around $12.95. It's a great way to spend family time together!

Taking a moment

"MAMA!!!! I can't find my cupcake book!"

I check the clock. It's 7:39 on Friday morning. On school/work days, our mornings are scheduled down to the minute. We must be in the car, buckled in, and on the road by 7:45am at the latest in order to get to school and work on time.

"I want to bring my cupcake book to school today!"

Lila hasn't read her cupcake book for months but for some reason, five minutes before we have to leave, she needs her cupcake book now. I quickly weigh out my decision-- a few minutes of looking for the cupcake book would be much better than a cranky, crying child for an entire car ride. I quickly join Lila in her room and we go through each and every paperback book on her shelf.

No cupcake book.

At this point, it's 7:50am.

"Lila, we will have to find the cupcake book after school. We have to go... now."

Lila's face scrunches up, bottom lip pokes out, and her eyes fill with tears.

"Lila! Don't start. Pick out another book and let's go!" I say firmly, very aware of the minutes flying by. We are definitely going to be late.

Fastforward to drop off. We arrive at 8:30am. I am supposed to be in my office at my computer at 8:30am. I fly out of the car over to Lila's door. I quickly unbuckle her and the tears start up again.

"But Mama, I don't have a book for school today!"

I pick up the first book I see on the floor of the car and thrust it into her arms. "Let's go!"

I rush into the building with Lila dragging along behind me. I hang up her bag and coat in her cubby and sign the sign in sheet. Lila is lingering outside of the classroom door, looking down at the floor.

I kneel down in front of her. "Lila, Mommy has to go to work now, okay? I will see you later." I give her a kiss on the forehead. She starts crying again.

"Lila, look at the clock. It's late now. I really have to go, but I will be back early today to pick you up."

She continues to cry. At this point, her teacher takes over. I give her one more hug and zoom out the door.

At work over coffee, I complain to my co-worker, another working mom, about how Lila gave me a hard time this morning. I go on with my busy day.

Then, I hear the news-- Twenty children (and six adults) are killed in a shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Twenty children woke up that morning, got dressed, brushed their teeth, said good-bye to their parents/caregivers, and went to school like any other morning. But, on this day, they won't be going home.

I am no longer aware of the time. My mental to-do list disappears.

My mind immediately goes back to Lila-- her crying and me rushing out of the door. All I want to do is hug her. I want to go back in time and give her those few extra moments that she obviously needed from me.

My heart aches for the families and community affected by this tragedy. I find myself hugging and kissing Lila a little more than usual and staying in her bed after storytime a bit longer than before.

The minutes do seem to fly by in our busy lives, but my hope today is to create moments with my family that are lasting.

...And not so rushed.

 -Tara

No Technology Sunday: Part 1... "Mommy, when can I be a client, too?

A mom sits at her kitchen table catching up on work. A forlorn-looking daughter walks slowly from behind and asks, "Mommy, when can I be a client, too?" Do you remember this commercial? Even though I was more than ten years away from becoming a mom when I first saw it, the idea behind this commercial struck a chord and has stayed with me all of these years. (Here is a link to the original AT&T commercial of this series, but I couldn't find a link to the exact commercial I'm referencing above). I'm embarrassed to admit that more than once since Clara has been born, my husband has come up to me when I am spending too much time working at my computer to ask in a pseudo-Clara voice, "Mommy, when can I be a client, too?" 

Most of all, this question effectively and directly calls upon my deepest reserves of working mommy guilt. It is hard for me to admit that in addition to the hours I spend at work each day that I am guilty of spending too much time at my computer at home when I want to be spending time with my daughter. Last month, when I posted photos that Clara had taken around the house, I deliberately left some of her photos out, namely her photos of me, many of which happened to be photos taken by Clara standing behind me... as I sat at my computer. Seeing these photos in front of me was an all too real reminder that this is how Clara sees me too much of the time and an eerie reminder of that AT&T commercial. I wanted to change that.

Just as I was trying to determine how I was going to transform how I spend time with Clara at home and especially how to change my use of the computer, the stars aligned and within two weeks, I came across several "signs" that gave me some ideas about how to proceed. Here's a sampling of what happened that week:

***

Sign #1: No Internet in Maine. 

At the end of our summer, we spent a week in a log cabin in Maine where there was no Internet access. It was a beautiful and transformative week. We all felt more relaxed than we had all summer. After getting over the initial panic about not having Internet access, I found that I loved the quiet of this vacation both mental and physical. It was a relief to be free from the bing-ding-rings of my phone that typically interrupted daily life at home. The absence of these sounds felt freeing. I could finally rest without the fear of an urgent text or email or phone call breaking the silence.

The stillness of Maine- no Internet to interrupt living

Sign #2: Technology Sabbath. 

Upon returning home from Maine, I eagerly awaited the arrival of the newly released book, "Happier at Home" by Gretchen Rubin, a follow-up to one of my favorite books of the past couple years, "The Happiness Project." Rubin provides simple, yet concrete tips to improve daily life. I admit that I do not read books linearly. In fact, I often skip to the end. In this case, I skipped right to page 129 to the chapter about time- probably the area in my life where I feel I need the most help. She shared techniques that others use to preserve their sense of control over time, and many of them involved controlling the technology that otherwise controls them. One person doesn't check email for the first two hours of each day so I've been trying that to some degree of positive results. Although, I admit that I'm plagued by a bit of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). What if the most important and time-sensitive email in the world comes through between 8am and 10am and I miss it? The idea that stuck with me the most in this chapter is the idea of a technology Sabbath... the idea of turning off technology for one day and just completely unplugging- a mini-version of my Maine vacation.

Sign #3: The Emptiness of the Internet.

My high school friend, Josh Robin, is a reporter for NY1 news. He created a series called "The Tangled Web" about the relationship between Orthodox Jews and the Internet. I am not an Orthodox Jew, but I was fascinated to hear how the rabbis on his show talked not only about the negative religious implications for using the Internet, but they argued clearly and effectively how the Internet is simply a waste of time.

Eytan Kobre, one of the Jewish leaders interviewed, said the Internet is "the greatest spiritual and moral challenge to mankind. Ever."

"It's so vapid, so empty, so nothing. There's like nothing there," Kobre said, according to Robin's report. 

I am not forsaking the Internet for good, and I don't agree unequivocally that the Internet as a whole is "so empty" but something about this story resonated with me. I do feel a sense of emptiness when I spend hours at the computer. In an hour- by-hour comparison, I would certainly rather spend an hour with Clara than an hour glued to my computer, yet I sometimes feel compelled to catch up on the latest blogs, Facebook posts, and work emails instead. I want to change that.

Sign #4: Technology Addiction.

Within those same few weeks, I read several articles about the dangers of too much time spent connected to technology, such as this article in the  New York Times. When even executives from Facebook are talking about the dangers of technology addiction, it grabs my attention.

***

With all of this information fueling my already instinctual desire to create some distance between technology and me, I hatched a plan. I would adopt a variation of the technology 
Sabbath explained in Rubin's book. No TV, no computer, and no cell phone on Sundays. I tried this for the past two Sundays, and I have to say it has felt like an amazing release.

I want to write more here about how Clara and I spent those Sundays, but this is getting long, so I will save the details for another post. For now, I will say that my working mommy guilt/angst was significantly lifted by my adventures with Clara on those days. Oh, and I felt happier, too. It didn't feel like I was racing to get from one moment to the next, but more like I was living each moment as it came. From morning to night on both Sundays, it felt like Clara and I were both very important clients.

-Ellyn