Conquering the morning & bedtime routine

Towards the end of a fun, impromptu play date at Clara’s house, I start the 10 minute count down, as I always do.

Me: Lila, we have to start wrapping up to go home.”

Lila (not looking away from the TV): Why?

Me: Because it’s a school night and we have to get back to our routine.

Lila: What routine?

I smack my own forehead, speechless.

Ah, yes. The bedtime and morning routine— the two-headed monster I’ve been battling day after day, night after night. Apparently, he’s an imaginary monster whom only I can see… and feel… and agonize over. This is my own personal battle. When my sweet, well-meaning husband tries intervening with a “perhaps I could offer a different approach” I wield my sword toward him—“NEVER!!!”  I shall conquer this monster with my mighty mommy powers!!

Uh huh. Yeah. I have no idea what I am doing.

First, it was the night time routine.  Somehow I was stuck in the routine of staying in the bed with Lila until she goes asleep. This results in me falling asleep in her bed and then waking up in the middle of the night to stumble back into my bed to my now sleeping husband. Needless to say, I have little to no downtime for myself or the hubby. (Not healthy.) My attempts to wean Lila off of having me in the bed have been met with tears and pure manipulation—

Lila: Mommy, why don’t you want to be with me???

(How in the world do I answer that question?)

Me: Of course, I want to be with you but…

Lila: WHAHHHHH!!!

And, I’m back in the bed staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars on Lila’s bedroom ceiling. Lila’s fast asleep with a subtle grin. (You have won this battle, but the war has just begun, my sweet.)

Out of desperation, despite my husband’s silent protest, I brought up my dilemma at a parents' meeting at school. My story conjured up lots of emotion with the other parents. (Phew! I was not alone.)  I was given loads of advice, empathy, and well wishes. That night I faced the monster (aka the bedtime routine) with a renewed confidence.

Me: Lila, we had a talk at your school and they said you are too big now to have your mommy sleeping in the bed with you. So, starting tonight, after story, I am going to say good night and leave.

Silence... The jig was up. I have not slept in Lila’s room since.

That was seriously too easy. After all of those nights, that was it. Success! But it was not a total victory.

The morning routine was still rearing its ugly head.

At school in the morning Lila is expected to do 3 things:

1)      Put her folder in the homework basket.

2)      Place her “book buddy” folder on the shelf.

3)      Hang her jacket and back pack in the locker.

Classroom rule- Parents are not to intervene. Parents cannot do these things for their child. It’s all about building independence and responsibility and blah blah blah, I know, I know. I get it. It is just sooooooo frustrating when on "day 34" of the school year, kids are coming in and out, doing the routine 1-2-3, and your little one is in La La Land! Jacket on the floor… folder falling out of the back pack… 10 minutes later, still in the classroom… And I can’t help but wonder, “what am I doing wrong?!?!”

My husband’s interpretation is that I "baby her too much" and I need to "just drop her off and leave." Maybe there’s some truth to that (whatever), but I just can’t handle leaving with the image in my mind of Lila and her stuff all over the place. “She needs me” I convince myself. "She can't do this alone." I lose sleep thinking about it (making the newly accomplished night time routine a mute point—I’m not sleeping anyways)!

But, this morning in the shower it came to me! To the melody of Oh My Darling, Clementine—

"Homework basket, homework basket, homework basket, book buddy.

Hang your back pack and your jacket,

and then you’re ready!"

I came running down the stairs, dripping wet with my towel, where Lila was eating breakfast and watching TV. I proudly sang my tune. Lila smirked and amazingly, it worked! This was the very first morning that Lila successfully completed her routine without assistance.

The song was brilliant!

Lila: Mom, please DO NOT sing that song in my classroom!

Me: I won't unless you need me too, Sweetie.

Hey, whatever works... {Insert evil laugh here.} Mommy wins!

-Tara

The Wonder of Summer Camp!

When my husband first suggested that Sarah attend summer camp full time, I baulked.

What?!?!?!

Not stay home with me? That’s just crazy.

Beside the outrageous expense of a full-time summer camp program in our area, she would be so tired. I just couldn’t imagine my girl handling the demands of such a long day. Of course, my husband knows me better than I know myself at times and suggested that I think about what I would do with the free time. With such an inviting demand for self-reflection and the prospect a few spa days thrown in, what could I do but sign her up and hope for the best.

Put this in the record books – he was right!

Once I got over the initial sadness of watching her load the bus on her own, without a tear, I eventually reveled in hearing about her adventures each day. Sarah grew exponentially at camp! She rode the bus without fear, running up to the door in the morning and bouncing down the steps each afternoon, waving at her new friends or high-fiving the camp counselor who accompanied them each day. She came home with art work, friendship bracelets and tie dyed shirts. AND, she learned so many new things . . .swim without a floaty, dribble a basketball, hit a baseball, run the bases, play gaga (a politically correction version of dodge ball), make up a cheer, swing across all the monkey bars without help and spit out watermelon seeds and plethora of new nature facts . . . to name a few small milestones!

I learned it was time for her to begin developing her own life – that spanned far beyond the walls of our playroom.  As a result, she is ready and excited for kindergarten, plays school nearly every day with her spotless new backpack and regularly asks how many days remain before she can go. I couldn’t have asked for more. I realize that she and I both needed to grow in our independence, and now our quality time is even more high quality as she leads the activities and teaches me new things. These are the exact big-girl adventures we’ve been preparing her for, and I’m so proud of both of us!

 

Acceptance on Ice

Parenting has challenged me to find acceptance for what is actually happening in a given situation even if it is different from what I expected. When we signed Clara up for ice skating classes last winter in January 2012, I envisioned her white ice skates gracefully gliding along the ice and her classes ending with triumphant spins. I'll admit I come from a family of high achievers.

Instead, what happened was that Clara was scared. She was scared of falling, and that meant she was scared of doing virtually anything on the ice because of the potential that she might fall. To try to ease her out of her fear, I wrote and illustrated a hand-made children’s book for her, “Cautious Clara” to help teach her that it was OK to fall, that even though nearly everyone falls when they are learning to skate, that they can get up and keep going.

Fast forward to January 2013. Clara and I went ice skating after a year's hiatus, and we were both delighted to see that she was comfortable on the ice. She triumphantly skated around the whole rink by herself three or four times. She begged for ice skating classes because she loved it so much, and a trip to see "Disney on Ice" helped to reinforce her new passion.

Between last year and this year, Clara advanced from the “Snowplow Sam 1” level class to “Snowplow Sam 2” class. My husband brought her to skating classes and seemed disappointed when he came home that the teachers had split the class in two and Clara ended up in the “remedial” class. I figured my husband was being overly critical. Hadn’t I just seen Clara confidently skating on the ice with me a couple of weeks ago?

Fast forward to class three of Snowplow Sam 2. I went to take a look myself. It was true, Clara was lingering behind the others. Once again, it seemed that her fear of falling was preventing her from fully participating in any move that involved lifting one of her feet off of the ground. She was talented at doing the “swizzle”- moving her feet simultaneously back and forth in a V-shape, but as soon as the teacher asked her to lift one foot or balance on the other, she froze.

My husband and I were not star athletes when we were children, and so why this feeling of disappointment that Clara was not excelling on the ice? For my husband, it was the idea that she wasn’t giving her all by fully trying. For me, it was the idea that perhaps she was learning to be fearful from us and that she might hold herself back in other parts of her life by not believing fully in herself.

Before I could get too wrapped up in my thoughts, Clara skated over to me with a big smile on her face, “Wasn’t I so good today?” She was proud of the improvements she was making. Even though she wasn’t near the top of the class, it was true that she was getting better during each class.

Clara’s ice skating adventure proved to be an opportunity for me to re-examine my expectations and to strive for accepting “what is” whether Clara is at the top of the class or the bottom. From the smile on her face, it was clear that Cautious Clara was turning into Confident Clara despite my hesitations. Now, I just have to find some time to start writing a new book, “Confident Clara,” for my little skater and to remind myself that a happy child is the most important goal I can hope for.

-Ellyn